30 Most Funny Drinking Toasts You Probably Haven’t Heard

by Rosemarie Hardison
funny drinking toasts

Toasting is a social convention that takes place in both formal and informal social groups. You raise your glass to drink in honor or appreciation of what the toastmaker narrates. Toasting is a rare opportunity to establish or strengthen your rapport with people in a social group.

If you have never made a toast or a speech before, don’t fret. These funny drinking toasts will leave you inspired and have the guests rolling with laughter.

Funny Drinking Toasts for Friends

Here are some hilarious and lighthearted drinking toasts you can make when you’re out drinking with your friends.

#1. “Here’s to a long life and a merry one, a quick ending and a happy one, a good girl and a pretty one, a cold bottle and another one.”

#2. “The first drink a man drinks is for thirst, the second for nourishment, the third for pleasure, and the fourth for madness.”

#3. “Here’s to alcohol, which often makes one see double and feel single.”

#4. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”

#5. “Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. So let’s get wasted all of the time and have the time of our life.”

#6. “If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and drink myself up. But the ocean’s not beer, and I’m not a duck, so let’s drink these pints and get messed up.”

Funny And Wise Drinking Toasts for Birthdays

Want to sound funny and wise? Here are some funny drinking toasts to make birthdays more special and induce gales of laughter.

#7. “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift because it’s the present.”

#8. “To your very good health. May you live to be as old as your jokes.”

#9. “Happy birthday! Now that you’re old enough to be a father, I have only one thing to say to you: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.”

#10. “Some ships are wooden ships, but those ships may sink. The best ships are friendships, and to those ships, we drink.”

#11. “Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy. But enough about me, here’s to you.”

#12. “Here’s hoping you live forever. And mine is the last voice you hear.”

Funny Anniversary Toasts

Here are some clever, thoughtful, and humorous anniversary toasts to help you achieve better intimacy with your significant other on your anniversary. After all, a good sense of humor is important in every relationship.

#13. “I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.”

#14. “To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage: Here’s to a good sense of humor and a short memory!”

#15. “In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year of marriage, they both speak and the neighbors listen.”

#16. “Here is to love that never grows old, and if it does, let’s hope by that time we’re too old to leave each other and start new marriages.”

#17. “A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”

#18. “My most brilliant achievement was persuading you to marry me.”

Funny Business Toasts

funny business toasts

Here are some examples of funny business toasts to give you an idea of what toasting should be like in formal occasions.

#19. “Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”

#20. “To those who have seen us at our best and at our worst, and still can’t tell the difference.”

#21. “Here’s to Dame Fortune. May she smile upon you. May you never meet her daughter, Miss Fortune.”

#22. “A toast to bread; without bread, there would be no toast.”

#23. “To hell: May the stay there be as fun as the way there.”

#24. “To work — the easiest device man has invented to escape boredom.”

Funny Christmas Toasts

No Christmas celebration with the family is complete without a toast. Here are some funny Christmas toasts to help you make the most out of the beautiful memories of Christmas.

#25. “A Christmas wish — May you never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.”

#26. “​Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”

#27. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

#28. “Here’s to being naughty and saving Santa a trip.”

#29. “Here’s to the only day I will ever be a morning person, December 25th.”

#30. “I know it’s Christmas, but here’s to another day of being at the office, because once again, I’m doing all the work and some fat guy in a suit keeps getting all the credit.”

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